Retro Ramblings

I tried watching this film a few months ago and gave up during the opening credits. However, I managed to try it again, thanks to it being one of Apple’s free downloads of Christmas. If they can only get people to watch it by giving it away for free, so be it.

My main problem  with this the first time was that it just wasn’t funny. The pre-title sequence about Carmilla the lesbian vampire Queen tried for humour and failed. It appeared to have been lit and shot by glamour photographers from Nuts magazine. The same can be said for any of the sequences involving girls throughout the film. Is it okay now to be misogynistic? Is it a post-Loaded irony? Because if I was a lesbian, or a woman in general, I think I would find this film highly offensive. We are presented with two lads on holiday who talk about women in a way that would make Benny Hill blush. We then meet a hugely stereotypical group of Swedish girls who drive a VW camper van. They appear to have driven in from the set of a bad 1970s porn film.

Halfway through the film Paul McGann appears as a Van Helsing-style priest who knows how to vanquish the vampires. All he needs is Matthew Horne, who by a complete coincidence happens to be the last direct descendant of Baron Wolfgang MacLaren, who first defeated Carmilla. Through plenty of flashbacks and exposition we learn he needs a special sword, blah blah blah. To be honest, the plot isn’t really that important. The whole thing is put together as a showcase for the “comedy stylings” of Horne and Corden, not to present a coherent narrative. It’s always great to see Paul McGann, and it was for him that I watched until the end. But did he read the script? Did he need the money?

I have to admit however, that I did laugh several times. Despite my initial misgivings, occasionally stuff does happen that is genuinely funny. I also enjoyed the set design, which is clearly modelled on the British Gothic tradition best personified by Hammer-horror’s Victorian mittle-Europe.

There is the awful suggestion at the end of a sequel, or even a franchise. There is an audience for this kind of thing, but I really hope that these particular vampire hunters are destined never to see daylight again.

Oh my. What a terrible film. It’s painfully embarrasing through and through. This picture says it all: an obvious back projection as Emmannuelle tries to get him to move by being sexy. He doesn’t. A couple of seconds later we discover why. He’s gay! Hilarious.

The death nell of the Carry On series was most definitely rung with Carry On England. That film starred Kenneth Connor, Windsor Davies and Patrick Mower, and was their first attempt to mimic the Confessions of… series. They actually managed quite well, in that it had loads of boobs and wasn’t funny in the slightest. With this film they’ve reigned in the boob count, but still kept the laugh rate to an absolute minimum. I only managed to get to the end of the film (the first time I tried to watch this several years ago I couldn’t get past the opening scene on the concorde) so I could listen to the commentary by Robert Ross. Surely he would acknowledge how awful it was, and spend the ninety minutes analysing why. Sadly not.

The commentary track features Ross alongside two of the stars who are stil breathing: Jack Douglas and Larry Dann. They reminisce on the fun they had making the film, and whilst they occasionally address its shortcomings, they clearly think fondly of it. I suppose under those circumstances it would have been unfair of Ross to slag it off completely.

The plot of this film is fairly thin. For a sex comedy, featuring a sex mad French woman, it seems odd that the only nudity is provided by Kenneth Williams. How they ever thought that the site of his sagging fifty-two year old behind would arouse anything other than mild nausea is beyond me.

Although some of the Carry On regulars were still on board it feels quite unlike the other films in the series. As well as those mentioned we also have a rather large Joan Sims, Kenneth Connor and Peter Butterworth, as well as comic support from those British comedy stalwarts Beryl Reid, Victor Maddern (looking rather ill) and Henry McGee. The director was still Peter Rogers, responsible for helming all of the films in the series, even the late entry Carry On Columbus (which to this day I have still never seen). Judging from the comments on the commentary track there were also a lot of the same technicians and others behind the scenes. So how they managed to still come up with a film that really doesn’t work seems quite a feat.

A more recent dramatic television endevour that attempts to lift the lid of the Carry On world is Cor Blimey! Originally made for ITV, it depicts the tumultous relationship between Sid James and the much younger Barbara Windsor. He was in love with her and desperate to sleep with her, and she knew his reputation, said no, and married Ronnie Knight, a notorious London gangste. Despite this, on location for Carry On Girls she finally agrees to a night of sex, thinking that they will both get it out of their systems. It doesn’t work and he falls for her even more. They share a flat together for a while before she finally leaves him. They still have to work together, and there are some great behind the scenes moments captured here, such as when she loses her bikini top in Carry on Camping and she doesn’t want him to watch, or in Carry On Henry when they have to kiss, and he insists on reshooting the scene three times because he gets his lines wrong, much to her annoyance.

This is a first rate production. Samantha Spiro looks so much like Barbara Windsor that when, in the final scene Babs actually replaces Spiro during a long steadicam shot, I actually had to rewind and watch it again three times to check. It’s quite a daring move and artistically an odd choice, but it allows the audience to realise that the film has her seal of approval.

The film is packed with lots of other great moments and cast from the Carry On team, including plenty of Kenneth Williams complaining, particularly about his piles and the imminent appearance of his bottom in Carry On Emmannuelle. His penchent for wearing no underwear under his toga during the shooting of Carry On Cleo, so he could flash at passers by is also amusingly depicted (from behind, thankfully).

Just how truthful this film is we will never know. The fact that Barbara Windsor worked as an advisor on the film probably means it’s broadly accurate. It certainly adds layers of meaning to the films that Sid James and Barbara Windsor made together. You can now watch the films they made before AND after that naughty weekend in Brighton and try to see if there is any difference to their onscreen chemistry. “Cor Blimey” indeed.

It took me a long time to catch up with the Firefly phenomenon. By the time I became aware of its existence it had already been cancelled and this movie was in production. I first saw the film a year after its release and really enjoyed it, but I couldn’t help feel that I was missing something. I eventually got the Firefly boxset two years later and instantly fell in love with the show. It gripped me from the beginning, and every episode got better and better. I drip-fed myself, beginning in the summer of 2008 and finally watching the last episode shortly after the new year 2010 celebrations died down. I watched it so slowly because I didn’t want it to end. I was sad that once I finally got to the fourteenth episode that would be it. And I really didn’t want that day to come, so I put it off as long as possible.

It’s just incredible to think of just how much fan loyalty was generated during the original run in 2002. Not many TV series get that much devotion so early on, but now I’ve seen it for myself I can totally understand why. Joss Whedon used broad archetypes to enable the audience to get to know the characters very quickly, borrowing liberally from the generic expecitations of the western: the good-hearted prositute, the wise preacher, the down to earth farm girl who can drink any man under the table, the cool, methodical doctor, the gun-for-hire muscle man, and of course the outlaw on the run who is tough on the outside, but honest, trustworthy and loyal once you get past the surface.

Once I’d finally watched the last episode (and wiped the tears from my eyes as I worked through all the DVD extras) I had to watch Serenity again. And this time, with the benefit of having spent several hours in the company of such fine individuals, I found it even more entertaining and rewarding than that first curious experience four years ago.

The film begins with a brief explanation of the history of the civil war against the Alliance before jumping in to show us how Simon rescued River. Exciting stuff. It then leaps forward to an indeterminate time after the final episode of Firefly. Shepherd Book is gone, and Inara has also left as she threatened to do. It feels a little odd at first, but doesn’t take long to re-establish a relationship with the remaining characters. The opening sequence itself is a bravaura piece of work, consisting of one long steadicam shot (with one invisible edit) following the Captain, Mal Reynolds, as he walks through his ship, Serenity. It gives you a feeling of space and that this really is home to this disparate group. Nathan Fillion, as Mal, is completely believable. He plays the role perfectly, veering between being the tough, no-nonsense and sometimes ruthless Captain, through to showing love and vulnerability as he tries to protect his friends.

Whedon manages to use his movie budget to expand the world we saw glimpses of during Firefly. Sure, it’s still essentially a western shot in the deserts of California, but he also takes us to strange futuristic cities as well as delivering the almost compulsory Star Wars-style space battle. There are also some great new characters brought in, most notably Chewitel Ejiofor as a kind of Ronin-style wandering bounty hunter. He makes a worthy adversary for Mal, as they both follow a kind of code and standards which help them to justify the bad things they have to do.

Clearly there is much to like about this film. Whedon provides an interesting and self-effacing commentary, although it would have been nice to also have a cast track. I feel a little sorry for Whedon, as he seems to have spent the Noughties trying and failing to recreate the commercial popularity he had during the Nineties. I was never a Buffy fan, so I found it suprising at just how much Firefly and Serenity affected me. It is a world of tantalising possibilites as to what might have been. It is one of the few occasions where the hype is entirely justified.

Good news for Psychoville fans. On Friday April 23rd Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton will be presenting a screening of Rope at the Phoenix Cinema in East Finchley, accompanied by the episode of Psychoville which was an homage to the Hitchcock classic.

I’m not affiliated with this event in any way, I’m just a big fan!

Click on the picture above to get yourself a ticket.

Another article from my archive. I did this interview over two years ago for Cinema Retro, but it didn’t go well, and they have decided not to use it. It’a a shame for it to go to waste, so here it is! Enjoy, and share my pain.

I found Mickey Rooney at the Congress Theatre in Eastbourne on the 4^th of September 2007, midway through his 85^th anniversary tour “Let’s Put On a Show!”

That’s 85 years in show business, which is truly a remarkable achievement, especially for an actor who spent most of his adult life trying to shake off the ghost of Andy Hardy. I had attempted to arrange an interview through his agent, which hadn’t worked so I resorted to loitering by the stage door two hours before the show, hoping someone would let me in. I listened to the sound check, with Mickey and his wife Jan singing “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off”. I tried not to take this as a sign.  

Finally I was invited in and sat down with Mickey and Jan Rooney at the side of the stage, surrounded by the band and various stage crew. The following interview was a difficult experience, but worth every moment. 

The focus of Cinema Retro is the films of the sixties and seventies. 

M - Wonderful. What about Night in the Museum (2006)? 

J – Can we just talk about what he came here for? 

I haven’t seen Night at the Museum but my wife likes it.  

M – Can we hurry up? 

How long have I got? 

M – 10 minutes. 

In 1960 you directed a film with Mamie Van Doren called The Private Lives of Adam and Eve. 

M – That wasn’t the only one I directed. 

That one stuck out to me as it’s not a film I’ve seen. It’s quite difficult to get a copy. How did you find the experience of directing? 

M - It’s natural. It’s the business I’m in. I’ve directed before. 

You were in the film as well. I understand you played the devil. 

M – No I didn’t. I wasn’t in it. You got that wrong. I don’t remember that. 

J – You have to remember he has done something close to 500 films.  

M – I’m not too proud of that one. I don’t want to mention that one. 

That’s fine. That’s probably why I can’t find a copy!  

J – (To someone in Mickey’s entourage) Chris? Did Mickey do The Private Lives of Adam and Eve? 

C – Yes he did. 

M – Yes but I’m not proud of it. I had to do that.  

You also did quite a lot of television in the sixties.  

M – Yes. Can we talk about the pictures that I’ve done? I’ve done 350.  

That’s amazing. 

M – I started in silents. I made a picture with Tom Mix (an actor who specialised in westerns, appearing in over 300 films between 1910 and 1035) and Mickey McGuire comedies (Mickey McGuire was an early character and stage name for Rooney. He appeared in over 50 silent comedies under this name.) 

J – Chris? He’s not talking about the era they want. 

M – Well have Chris sit down and talk to them. 

It’s fine. I’m happy to talk to you about whatever you want to talk about. 

M – Well whatever you want to talk about. You asked about the early days… 

You made your first film when you were two. That’s quite remarkable. 

M – I’ve made musicals with Judy (Garland) and I made It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963) and The Black Stallion (1979). 

I’m glad you mentioned that. That’s one of my favourite films from when I was a child. 

M – And then I made Young Tom Edision (1940) and er…   

J – Requim For a Heavyweight (1962) was one of his favourites. 

Yes. Rod Serling wrote that, who created The Twilight Zone. 

M – No he didn’t write Requiem for a Heavyweight. He might have done it for the television. 

Ah, that’s true, but not the film. Jackie Gleeson was in that too, along with Anthony Quinn and Julie Harris. What do you remember about making the film? Did you enjoy that? 

M – It was fine, it was good. It was a good picture which I’m proud of. I made some that I wasn’t too proud of. Some so bad they weren’t released, they escaped! 

Would you care to name any of those? 

M – No!  Why should I want to talk about things I had to do on account of money? 

That’s unfortunately how the film industry works sometimes isn’t it? You can’t always do things purely for artistic reasons. You once worked with Otto Preminger, the German director. 

M – That wasn’t anything, Oofus Goofus or something (he’s actually referring to infamous Hollywood flop Skidoo in 1968), but the fact is that Jan and I did Ben Stiller’s feature. She’s an actress. It’s called Tropic Thunder (due for release sometime in 2008). 

J – It’s a small cameo. He directed us, let’s move on. We need to discuss… 

M – Let me talk. I’m proud of what she does. She’s an actress. We’ve done about seven pictures. She’s worked for Disney.   

Can I just ask you about The Black Stallion. You played the horse trainer? 

M – If it wasn’t for Jan I wouldn’t have taken it. 

J – Stop it. I had nothing to do with that. I did with others, but not that particular one. 

M – I made a picture in England. Erik the Viking (1989). 

J – Now that one I had to talk him into doing! Oh yes, and several others! 

With Terry Jones? And how was that? 

M – I enjoy every picture I make. I’m hired to do it so I do it. 

I love Erik the Viking.  

M – I don’t think that any picture ever made was funnier than It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World. 

It’s such an amazing cast in that film. Spencer Tracy, Sid Caesar…  

M – I made five pictures with Spencer Tracy.  

What was he like to work with? 

M – Wonderful. He was a real gentleman. 

It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World was one of his last films I believe. 

M – No it wasn’t. Guess Who’s Coming for Dinner (1967). 

J – It was his second to last. You were close. 

I was close, that’s not bad. It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World also had Buddy Hackett and Phil Silvers. How were you cast in the film? Did they just offer you the part? Were you past having to audition for movies by that point? 

M – Yes, I was hired. That’s what you work for. People hire you through your agent. 

When you watch the film it looks very chaotic.  

M – It was wonderful. I’ve got to rest. I don’t mean to rush you. If we’d known you were coming… we’ve got a show to do. 

J – I’m sorry. He gets a little edgy when he hasn’t had his nap. He must rest. He’s 87. I usually can’t keep up with him and that’s a little embarrassing at times! I’m terribly sorry. We weren’t prepared. He probably wouldn’t have been so rambunctious to you!  

M – You’ve got to rest Jan. we’ve got a long show tonight. 

J – Alright! Just two more questions.  

Okay, well Cinema Retro is about the sixties and seventies.  

M – What about today? There’s nothing like Anno Domini, now!  

It was remarkable to be in the company of this tiny yet powerful actor and to see how his wife Jan manages to act as a mediator. She was obviously well practised in steering him through interviews. They have been together for almost thirty years, which is longer than his all his previous seven marriages combined. He must have been interviewed thousands of times and I could see how the experience of meeting this humble writer on the side of a cold empty stage in Eastbourne when he should be taking a nap could be at the least a mild irritation. There were so many things I wanted to ask him about, but being slightly flustered I managed to forget most of my decent questions, something for which I hope both you the reader, and Mr Rooney, will forgive me.

I wrote an article for an American cult film magazine last summer about this festival, which they have ultimately decided not to use. Possibly because of my overuse of exclamtion marks. Waste not want not. I present it here for your amusement.

On July 11^th here in London I attended a rather odd little festival entitled The Art of the Nasty. It was organised by FAB Press to launch a new book featuring a startling number of pre-cert video covers. Pre-cert refers to films released in the home video market here in the UK before 1984. At that time there was a huge public outcry over “video nasties”, which lead to the Video Recordings Act being passed by Parliament. From then on all films had to have a certificate from the BBFC (British Board of Film Classification) Prosecutions were made against people who sold or owned copies of such films as Driller Killer, SS Experiment Camp, Zombie Flesh-Eaters and The Evil Dead. It was believed that serious harm could come to anyone who watched these films, plus a number of others on the list! This must seem odd to those of you in the
US, but we really did have some very heavy-handed censorship in the 1980s. Actually, we’ve had heavy-handed censorship forever, but I’ll save that for another day. 

So the days of the “pre-certificate” video, where you could get all kinds of outrageous and shocking films complete with mind-blowing artwork, are celebrated in this book. It is well worth picking up a copy, provided you’re not of a squeamish disposition. 

To tie in with the theme of the book, FAB Press lined up five films which all stemmed from the pre-cert era, plus one extra which I’ll get to at the end. I have never tried to watch that many films in one day but was excited, and a little nervous, at what was ahead.First off the bat was an obscure forty-five minute docu-drama called Take an Easy Ride. It was made in 1975 for UK television as a ‘public information’ film about the dangers of hitchhiking. A rather sixties-looking music festival is happening and two pairs of girls want to go, choosing to hitchhike to save money. Wearing short skirts and no bras, they manage to get a lift rather quickly. The first set of girls meet a lecherous lorry driver, who struggles to keep his eyes on the road and off their thighs throughout the journey. He manages to keep his hands to himself and drops the girls safely at their destination (which consists of footage from the 1969 Isle of Wight Festival!).

If only life was as simple for the second pair of girls. They get picked up by a giallo-style leather-gloved, porn-mag reading stranger, who is so mysterious we never see his face. He’s driving an open-topped car, and doesn’t waste much time introducing the girls to his dirty books in the glove box. Suitably disgusted and a little unnerved, they try to get out of the car. He finally pulls over, and both the girls are chased, raped and left for dead at the side of the road. We learn at the end, when both sets of parents are called to the hospital, that they have survived their ordeal but one of them is blind!

Pretty shocking stuff for a public information film. The director Kenneth Rowles, who attended the event, was advised by a producer in Soho that if he spiced it up a bit he could get it on the screens of private sex theatres throughout Soho, and probably around the country. He was keen to get some money back from this, so agreed and filmed a third, ridiculously sleazy story regarding an improbably-wigged Swedish girl hitchhiking her way across Britain. She is picked up by a sensible middle-class couple driving a Rolls. You’d think she would be safe with them. Think again! After downing several bottles of wine, they all decide to stay at a B&B for the night. Whilst relaxing sexily in the bath the wife tries to get in the bath with her and give her a good soaping. Horrified, she jumps out of the bath and into the bedroom, only to find the husband naked and waiting too. The wife persuades the girl onto the bed, where they proceed to get it on whilst he takes photos before joining in the fun. Rowles claimed he wasn’t deliberately making a sex film, but the explicitness of this scene demonstrates he’s either lying, incredibly naive or was nowhere near the set at the time!

Of course, she’s exhausted after this seedy threesome and wakes up the next morning to discover that they’ve gone, and she’s pregnant. That’ll teach her to hitch-hike!

The next film was a surprisingly well-made British drama clumsily titled The Brute. This was a really well made film, and for me the discovery of the festival. It details the marital breakdown of a middle-class business man and his fashion model wife. It had been included due to its reputation as a horror/ sex film. Firstly, when the film was released with an X certificate it received a lot of negative attention in the press and protests from women’s groups, angry that wife-beating would be used as the subject for a movie, despite the message clearly being in favour of the women concerned. There is a certain amount of sex and nudity, some integral to the adult nature of the plot, and some to spice things up a bit. This helped the film gain a reputation as softcore pornography, yet there is nothing here you would not now see in your average episode of Sex and the City. The distributor Brent Walker tried to sell the film as a horror, with a ridiculous VHS cover reminiscent of your average low-rent slasher movie.

Other exploitation elements include a random fight scene, added purely for the one black female character to turn into Cleopatra Jones and give another abusive husband what he deserved. It’s a funny scene, incongruous with the tone of the rest of the film, yet you don’t mind as it’s good to see at least one of these men getting what’s coming.

The next film was my favourite of the day. I had never head of Canadian thriller Death Weekend before, but now I have I intend to campaign for its DVD release! Harry and Diane are driving through the mountains to his country retreat. He has a fast car and is keen to impress so lets her have a drive. Whilst she is in the driving seat they come across some hot-rodding rednecks keen to race. Ultimately, and I don’t think I’m giving too much away here, she comes out the victor and the hillbillies end up driving into a ditch. Lep, the ringleader, is more than a little annoyed.

Back at the country house Harry shows off his valuables. He has lured Diane there for a weekend of sex, and she’s pretty annoyed when she finds out. Harry is an interesting character. At one point she takes a shower in her room, and we find out there is a secret two-way mirror so he can take nude photos of her unawares. As protagonists go, he’s pretty unlikeable.

However there isn’t time for Diane, or us, to be annoyed with him for long, because Lep and his crew turn up and literally all hell breaks loose, with destruction, rape and murder all on the agenda.

This is a well made film with some very tense moments, and the sympathies of the audience are played on to the point where you feel like you are actually in the house with them, such is the emotional intensity. Ultimately the main character becomes Diane, very much the ‘final girl’ traditionally found in horror films. All the performances are convincing, and in the case of the hillbilly tormentors, scary and hilarious at the same time. This really is a highly recommended movie. Unfortunately it is only available on VHS, if you can find it. This is a pity as it deserves to be recognised as a classic example of economic, well-executed filmmaking. It was distributed by AIP, but I’ve no idea who owns the rights now. If I find out, I’ll camp outside their house until they relent.

I was beginning to feel quite tired by this point, and there were still three films left! The next, Satan’s Slave, was introduced by the director himself, Norman J. Warren.  The film we were about to watch was the export version, featuring a notorious “alternative” scene early on in the film. There were also additional sequences which were shot for the Japanese market which were not included in the UK release. These are now all in the R2 Anchor Bay DVD, with the exception of the aforementioned alternative scene, which Warren professes to dislike. If you buy the recent R1 DVD release on the BCI Exploitation Cinema you’re getting a cut down, MPAA version. The R2 is completely uncut and well worth tracking down.

The original title of this film was Evil Heritage, and it certainly fits better with the plot. As far as I can tell, no one in this film is a slave of Satan at all. It stars Candace Glendenning as Catherine, whose parents are unfortunately killed on the way to her Uncle Alexander’s house (Michael Gough, Britain’s answer to Vincent Price). He along with his son Stephen and housekeeper live in a rather modern-looking country home, filled with antiques and ornaments. Just tucked out of site however are the various appliances used to conduct pagan ceremonies in the hope of resurrecting Alexander’s mother. And it just might be that Catherine is going to play a pivotal role.

Through a handy flashback we discover that Alexander once murdered his own wife in front of a young Stephen, as part of a botched ceremony, which has caused Stephen to become insane, at least with women. The infamous alternative scene is fairly early on in the film, when we see Stephen dining with a young American in his home. It’s romantic and the wine is flowing. They drift back to the bedroom and get down to business. However, Stephen’s predilections soon become apparent. In the normal version of the film he gets pretty rough, almost strangling her and tearing her clothes before throwing her out of the room. “You’re an animal!” she screams. Well, in the export version, included on the insistence of the producers, who also came up with the idea, it gets a lot more unpleasant and involves a degree of intimacy with a pair of rusty scissors which made everyone’s eyes water. Stephen clearly never listened to the “never play with scissors” rule at school. As I mentioned, Warren dislikes this scene, feeling it’s just too nasty and unnecessary. I’m with him on that.

Equinox was the penultimate film, and the last proper ‘pre-cert’ on offer. I was pre-warned by Norman J. Warren himself that this film was pretty bad, and that he was off going to spend the duration of its running time in the bar, but I bravely stayed, determined to experience the movie for better or worse. I took one for the team.

Although released in 1971, it was originally shot in 1967. It must have already looked dated by then, and it REALLY does now. These are clean cut, all-American teens, sucked into a world of horror and confusion. Not one disillusioned Altamont-era hippy among them. The festival programme describes the film as “a treat for horror fans that simply cannot fail to restore your childhood fascination with cinematic monster-fun!” I’m afraid it did fail. It was just terrible. The film was also pretty unsuitable for the theme of the festival. There was absolutely nothing nasty about this film at all.

I will admit that the experience was hampered by a very poor quality print, which was both scratched and faded to a nice shade of pink. But even if it had been a newly struck print direct from the in-camera negative, it would still have sucked. I can’t believe Criterion put this out expecting people to pay good money.On the plus side, some of the Harryhausen-style stop-motion effects are pretty good, done by Jim Danforth, who went on to do bigger and better things with Hammer films. There’s also a voice over from Forrest J. Ackerman, lending further cult appeal. But it in the end it is let down by a poor script and some incredibly wooden acting. Some of the risible dialogue does cause unintentional laughs, mostly due to it’s outdated sexism. Lines such as “Let’s go and explore that castle.” “Okay, but that hill is too steep for the girls,” sound like they’ve been cribbed from a Famous Five novel.

Last was S & M Hunter. By this time it was 10 pm, and I was pretty exhausted. Quite a few people had gone home, but I figured it was only an hour long, and couldn’t be as bad as Equinox. This film was a last minute replacement for Black Devil Doll, a horror/ blaxploitation crossover-spoof, which would probably have been more in keeping with the pre-cert theme. S & M Hunter was just NASTY. And not in a good way. The film was introduced by Jasper Sharp, author of the FAB Press book Behind the Pink Curtain, a history of the Japanese sex film. He seemed to think it was going to be great, and that we were going to love it: bondage super-heroes, Nazi lesbians and other crazy Japanese stuff.

It started out looking fairly promising. The first few minutes, where a new customer arrives at an S & M-themed brothel and is given a quick run through of the available distractions, was actually very funny, in a ‘I can’t believe what they are doing, surely this can’t be serious’ sort of way. But once a waif-like girl dressed as a nun was stripped naked and whipped into unconsciousness, the humour  dissipated. I began to feel pretty uncomfortable about the whole thing. The audience occasionally tittered, but more out of nervousness I think. Once Mr S & M Hunter was introduced, who has the power to spin rope webs in a Spiderman-style, leaving women in configurations which leave them in a state of permanent sexual stimulation, it became fairly clear that this film was not going to redeem itself in any way.

The plot was about a gay man who comes to the hunter for help: his lover has been kidnapped by an all-girl gang who are continually raping him. Mr S & M Hunter goes on the warpath, tying all the women up in a variety of increasingly far-fetched ways. I kept thinking that at some point the tables would turn, and he would get his comeuppance. When the Nazi lesbian comes to get her revenge, I hoped this is where it would all turn out to be a satire. Up until this point the women are practically begging him to tie them up and treat them brutally. This is surely misogyny at its most distasteful and offensive. The message of the film seems to be that women are worthless and need to be treated in an appalling and disdainful way for their own good. I was hoping this would be overturned by the end of the film. However, it was not to be. Despite being blinded in both eyes by said Nazi, Mr Hunter still ends up the victor, suspending her from a crane and then raping her whilst extolling the virtues of his rope-techniques. I felt incredibly sorry for this poor girl, who must have been in agony whilst this scene was shot. They hoist her up to the top of the crane, and the whole thing must have taken hours. I can’t imagine they untied her between takes.

By the end of the film the auditorium was half empty. People had walked out continually. Those that were left were either asleep or looking pretty shocked and annoyed. I was surprised that Jasper had been able to stand up before us all in full confidence and announce that we would love this film. It was pretty misjudged to say the least.

So, a disappointing end to what had otherwise been an enjoyable festival with some genuinely exciting films and new discoveries. You can go to www.fabpress.com to find more details on the book, as well as the other cult movie-related stuff they print. They are probably the finest publisher of obscure movie books in the world. I’ve enjoyed several of them over the years. So, despite the last two films being a letdown, this was an enjoyable festival, with some genuine discoveries, entertaining oddities, and the opportunity to meet some real cult film icons. I also won a DVD in the prize draw! So many thanks to FAB Press, Norman J. Warren, Kenneth Rowles and all those others who have worked hard over the years to bring the world horror, titillation, excitement and complete bemusement! 

Six Hammers films are being put out on DVD in April by Sony in a very exciting (and hopefully reasonably priced) boxset. None of these films have been on available on R1 DVD before, and most aren’t available at all. They include Never Take Candy from a Stranger (the UK release title was Never Take Sweets from a Stranger), The Snorkel, Maniac, Cash on Demand, Stop Me Before I Kill! (UK title The Full Treatment) and the long-awaited release of Joseph Losey’s These Are The Damned (UK The Damned).

I’m really looking forward to seeing Cash on Demand. I’ve seen Never Take Sweets… at a special screening, but it’s never been released as far as I know since it’s initial theatrical run. It’s amazing to see Hammer tackle such an issue as child abuse.

Anyway, if you go to the Columbia Classics page on the Sony website you can vote for the cover art. Just click here or on the picture above. That’s my favourite.

Before I started reading about the first Hellboy movie on AICN I’d never even heard of him. I was intrigued at the time though and ordered a copy of the DVD from Japan, so I had it a good six weeks before its theatrical release in the UK. And it was awesome. I was hooked, and have been a Del Toro and Hellboy fan ever since.

So imagine my joy and surprise when I found this DVD in the pound shop. I’ve picked up many bargains there. I’m not proud.  This one is actually really good. It’s the best we’re ever going to get. There will never be a Hellboy 3. That’s obvious. By the time Del Toro finishes The Hobbit Ron Perlman will be about 75. The great thing about this film is that they use most of the voices from the movie, so it really does feel like a natural progression from the live action films.

The plot line is quite difficult to follow at times, and involves a haunted house, vampires, witches, monsters and an ancient god called Hecate. Hellboy gets smashed through so many walls it’s a wonder the house is still standing by the end of the film. It’s really nice to have Professor Broom back (voiced by John Hurt), so maybe it’s more of a prequel. I was confused by some of it, but I didn’t let it worry me. You don’t watch Hellboy for the intricacies of the plot. You want the occult, some suggestion of Nazi black magic, and a whole lot of Hellboy smashing monster’s faces with his right hand of doom. And this does not disappoint.

The DVD comes armed with loads of great extras and is a really fun way to get another Hellboy fix.

Another CGI animated film about space exploration that came out just before Christmas. It didn’t really stand a chance up against Avatar. It will at least get a slightly more coherent review from me than that did.

As you can see from the above picture, the design of Planet 51 is very nice. Although a little Shrek-like, the characters manage to look alien enough whilst still being loveable and for kids to relate to. And I loved the idea of the family dog looking like a xenomorph. It even melts lamp-posts with its hydrosulphuric acid urine. That’s a joke purely for the parents.

The film depicts this alien world, whose evolution has brought them up to the 1950s. There are lots of nods to that decade, mostly with the cars, fashion and movies. They watch horror films about invasions from Humanoids, and there’s a lot of subtext regarding the “Reds under the bed” fears. In many ways this film is an almost direct copy of the plot of Iron Giant, which was also about Communist paranoia and governmental representatives being out of control. At the centre of it all is Lem, a hapless young astronomer who inadvertently ends up helping a human astronaut who has landed in his backyard. Captain Baker, voiced by Dwayne “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking” Johnson, was led to believe this planet was uninhabited, so the whole experience comes as something of a suprise. The voices are all fine, but nothing outstanding. The film continues the current trend of having Hollywood actors voice cartoons, rather than real talented voice actors. The only really noticable voice performance comes from John Cleese, who will appear in anything these days.

There is a small robot in the film called Rover, who bears more than an uncanny resemblence to Wall-E. I’m sure the designers, already having worked on this for a couple of years, wept when they saw that movie. But you would think they’d have managed to change it somehow, because it really is very similar. Although Wall-E was a rip off of Johnny Five anyway, so I guess Pixar can’t complain.

The film was, in the words of Mark Kermode, “perfectly fine”, but nothing more. It was a diversion, and mildly entertaining, but will be forgotten as soon as it’s off the cinema screens. It might be already. We saw this on Christmas Eve (I’m really still catching up on blogs, but determined not to miss a single movie out), and my kids have not mentioned it since. Usually when they see a film they tell you the story again and again for weeks afterwards, and run around acting out key scenes. With this one, nothing. I think that says it all.

One other thing, what is Planet 51? As far as I remember, and I was looking for it, there was no mention of the phrase “Planet 51″. Not a sausage. Mind you, I had just been to the dentist only an hour before and half my head was still numb, so perhaps my attention was not as keenly focused as usual.

The hair in this film is unbelievable. That is some seriously hilarious hair. I felt like I was watching a spoof of Eighties movies, rather than one actually shot in that decade. Was this really the fashion then? I was twelve in 1988, but I really don’t remember it being this bad. Perhaps these Manhattan hairstyles didn’t make it to the West Midlands. Every time Joan Cusack walked into the frame I burst out laughing and exclaimed my disbelief. You’d think towards the end of the film I’d have been prepared, but no. Every single time. Incredible hair.

This is one of my wife’s all-time favourite movies, so I’ve got to tread carefully. She was shocked that I’d never seen it, despite it starring Harrison Ford, one of my own favourite actors. It had never appealed to me. I’m just not a romantic comedy type of guy. The film does have a great cast. Along with Cusack and Ford is Melanie Griffith (fresh from the set of Cherry 2000), the star of the show. Her sexually confusing boss is Sigourney Weaver, and the obligatory useless boyfriend is an Italian-American stereotype played by Alec Baldwin. In minor roles you’ll also see Oliver Platt, Kevin Spacey and Ricki Lake, and if you look really hard in the background of an engagement party scene you can spot David Duchovney. The film is like a who’s who of up and coming talent. I’m glad I finally watched it as it was a lot better than I was expecting. I think in part this is because of the ability of the director, Mike Nichols.

He seems to have made a career telling stories about adults who can’t seem to decide who they want to have sex with. He can clearly do this kind of thing standing on his head. But whilst the themes remain the same (okay, I know I’m simplifying rather a lot. He did do Angels in America after all) characters and locations are all very different. Whilst The Graduate was about, well, a graduate, this film is about a girl who is determined to work her way to the top. Which in late 1980s America was about becoming a good Wall Street Republican. She comes from the seedier side of New York but has the brains to outsmart any pin-striped or shoulder pad-wearing Harvard executive. This is like American Psycho without the brutal murder. She uses her wits and a borrowed wardrobe to fool everyone into thinking she’s a power player, and after many mostly predictable twists and turns she gets what she wants: a job in a big company. This film is basically a celebration of capitalism (and big hair). The ending is rather odd though. The final shot is of Griffith on the phone in her new office. The camera switches to a helicopter shot looking in through the window, and pulls further and further back until she is lost in a sea of identical offices with identical windows in this massive office building, which is only one of many identical glass buildings in Manhattan. I think it’s supposed to be uplifting, but it left me with the feeling that she’s no longer the individual free spirit she was. She has been assimilated.

Still, I’m probably trying too hard. It’s a funny, entertaining movie which turned out not to be about a prostitute after all.