Nobody Knows Anything

No cinema visits this week, though this is set to change in July.

Bad Boys II (2003)

Another sign of the apocalypse. I now own a film directed by Michael Bay on DVD. I must admit my curiosity was peaked by the reverence accorded it in Hot Fuzz (2007), and then it turned up cheap in HMV’s current sale and I can’t resist a bargain. And so? Much as it pains me to admit it, I quite enjoyed it. It was a decent throwback to the gratuitous violence and plentiful swearing action pictures of the 1990s that we all loved so much until some bunch of twats successfully prevented Hollywood from marketing R-rated movies to kids and forced them down the road of PG-13 with everything. I should point out here that the whole point of the R certificate in the first place (no one under 17 admitted without an adult) was precisely so kids could go to see R-rated movies, and everybody was perfectly happy about the arrangement until aforesaid bunch of twats took umbrage.

Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Also in the HMV sale was the Limited Edition DVD Gift Set of this for £4 (I’m not receiving kickbacks from HMV for plugging them here; in the current climate, they need all the help they can get). I saw it in the cinema and didn’t think it was that great because I thought it possessed absolutely no depth. Once you get past the “with great power comes…” thing, what else is there? Well, there must have been something in the Diet Coke at the cinema because seeing it again on DVD, I liked it a whole lot more, possibly for the soap opera elements than the action sequences.

In Her Shoes (2005)

I find the term “chick flick” really kind of patronising, as if only women were interested in films about characters, emotions and relationships. There was a time when a film like When Harry Met Sally (1989) was known as a “sleeper hit” because 13 year old boys weren’t turning out in droves to see it, and its audience consisted of regular people like you and me, who’d previously been “asleep” when Lethal Weapon 2 (1989) came out to keep the kids happy with the wham bang. The sleeper hit has now, somewhat inevitably, turned into the marketing category of the chick flick, the kind of film girls have to drag their boyfriends kicking and screaming to see. Allegedly.

RV (2006)

One of the best things about a new Barry Sonnenfeld film is the prospect of a new Barry Sonnenfeld DVD commentary. As this generation’s Blake Edwards, the go-to guy when you want a comedy filmed properly on screen, in commentary mode he is the king of the dry delivery. Although there’s nothing new about this film that National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983) et al haven’t done before, it does silly and heartwarming with reasonably equal effectiveness. One thing nobody mentions in either the commentary or the featurettes is that this is Sonnenfeld’s first widescreen movie because the shape of the RV dictated that it be so. The movie’s aspect ratio is part of the joke. That is what I call dry.

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

As a horror fan, I’ve been pissed on by filmmakers and studios for decades. For some reason, unknown to me, if one horror film becomes a hit, say Halloween (1978), the producers decide that what horror fans want is another EIGHT sequels that are more or less complete retreads of the original. Whereas what horror fans like me actually want is another original horror film AS GOOD AS Halloween. Why has this message not got through? Unfortunately, there are enough undiscerning idiots claiming to be horror fans around that there is actually an audience for Sleepaway Camp IV (2002) when the original Sleepaway Camp (1983) was a) no fucking good in the first place, b) made 20 years earlier, and c) a ripoff of Friday the 13th (1980) anyway. Although Underworld (2003) had vampires vs werewolves vs big guns vs a ripoff of the look of The Matrix, what it had in its favour was the right tone: it took its world seriously, and this continues in the sequel.

The Constant Gardener (2005)

After a week of popcorn, I felt the need for a little fibre. Fernando Meireilles proves that Cidade de Deus (2002) wasn’t just a flash in the pan, and that a thriller that tells its story out of chronological order is still possible in modern Hollywood, particularly when directed with the deftness and skill on display here. Everybody brought their A-game to this project, from the off-kilter framing of every shot to the performances of the actors to the producers filiming the story in Kenya where it was set, rather than trying to recreate Kenya in, say, Mexico or Canada. The filmmakers were also affected by the poverty in the areas in which they shot some of the film and actually decided to do something about it:

http://www.constantgardenertrust.org/

Two cinema visits this week, marked with a *. There’s a particularly irritating trade ad in the cinemas at the moment promising that 2007 will be THE ULTIMATE SUMMER OF CINEMA. I’ve had a dislike of the use of the word ULTIMATE in marketing hype ever since, I think, Empire film magazine started using it to describe a coming attractions article as THE ULTIMATE GUIDE to some films coming out soon. If you actually look ULTIMATE up in a dictionary, you’ll find that describing the summer of 2007 as THE ULTIMATE SUMMER OF CINEMA means there ain’t gonna be any more summers of cinema because this is the last one and the best one. Which is not true. Describing something that is not ULTIMATE as if it were ULTIMATE is actually something else: BULLSHIT.

The Rapture (1991)

With that said, let us cast our minds back 16 years to a film very few people have ever seen, but which has nonetheless been issued on DVD with a DTS soundtrack. The premise of the film is very simple. What if all that mindless guff about the Rapture that fundamentalist American Christians claim to believe in were actually true? What if they’ve got it right, and their nonsensical beliefs are the one true religion, and they’ll all be saved, transformed into light and transported to heaven? And all the rest of us, the, if you like, infidels, well, we’ll all be consigned to the fiery pit of Hell. And what would you do if you believed all this stuff and there was a voice in your head telling you to commit an atrocity if you wanted to be saved? What would you do? That’s what this film’s about.

Dogma (1999)

Spookily, Kevin Smith takes a slightly similar line 8 years later in this notorious religious comedy. The notion is that the Catholic doctrine of plenary indulgence (you can look it up) provides a loophole that could bring about the end of the world (though I guess you have to believe in this stuff first for it to work) (and even then…). I find it amusing that American Christians responded to The Passion of the Christ (2004), even though the endless spilling of blood would have looked more at home in a low budget horror movie gorefest, and came across as profoundly unrealistic (although I guess that was Mel Gibson’s point about the suffering of His Lord). But those same American Christians (though to be fair the protest was centred around a fairly small, fringe group), took umbrage at a film with a shit monster and lots of dick jokes.

Safe (1995)

Ooh, global warming, that’s pretty scary, right? Well, here’s a film that’s a lot more uncomfortable than Al Gore’s Keynote presentation. There really is something out there called environmental illness, and people really do have their immune systems rebel against them. And the spooky, insidious way that Todd Haynes has directed his film starts to make everything a suspect: the gasoline from passing cars, household cleaning products, and the new black couch. Julianne Moore’s descent into ill health is genuinely disturbing in a way that many horror films aren’t; Wes Craven called this the best horror film of the year.

Prince of Darkness (1987)

As a premise, the first part of John Carpenter’s two picture deal with Alive Films is pretty silly. There’s this low budget, green swirly effect in a big jar that’s going to bring about the day of judgment, and a team of university research assistants have 24 hours to stop it. But, and this is a big but, this film is all about how the silly premise has been executed, and it’s been executed very well. Composing the musical score for his films has always been very important for Carpenter, and here he produces one of his best: dark, intense and atmospheric. The music raises the game for the whole film and makes it work. Without it, it’d would just be another forgotten low budget programmer.

Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

For the record, this was the theatrical version of the film. Despite all the heavy detailing and grungy aspect to it, there is something of the Boys’ Own guide to the Crusades about this film. And Orlando Bloom has not just one but two occasions when he has to deliver a big speech to a huge crowd, and all I could think of was the Sermon on the Mount in Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979). You know, blessed are the cheesemakers. Still, as a Ridley Scott film, it remains a great watch, and I’m looking forward to the director’s cut.

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)

Which is why I’m not an entrepreneur or a salesman, since I don’t have a desperate, hollow emptiness at the heart of my soul, and a compulsion to lie to perfect strangers in order to sell them things they don’t want, don’t need, can’t afford, and which may not even exist in the first place. It’s fascinating that David Mamet can make poetry out of a small group of guys all telling each other to go fuck themselves, but that’s what he does, and that’s what this is. A valediction to the American salesman in the tradition of Arthur Miller.

Ocean’s Thirteen (2007) *

Reviewers everywhere have declared this to be a return to form after the supposed debacle of Ocean’s Twelve (2004). Well, I liked Ocean’s Twelve, perhaps because I’m more aware of the kind of European filmmaking styles Soderbergh was experimenting with, and I liked this third installment just fine as well. There is, as William Goldman has noted, something just marvellous about these movies that assemble a team to do an unlikely task against impossible odds with numerous obstacles along the way. Reason and logic fly out the window, and you just sit in your seat and marvel. Three’s probably enough though.

Lucky You (2007) *

Curtis Hanson’s follow up to In Her Shoes (2005) is a slightly bloated father-son story with a romantic comedy lightly glued on top, set against the start of the World Series of Poker phenomenon that drives so many internet search engine pop-up ads these days. It’s a good 20 minutes too long, and telegraphs its plot points in advance, but it does have a lot of cool poker stuff and a decent cameo from Robert Downey Jr (and has everyone noted how better an actor Robert Downey Jr is now he’s off the drugs?).

Mission Impossible (1996)

This along with Die Hard (1988) is my action movie of choice when I want a no-think evening in front of the telly instead of a dark and brooding movie about the Apocalypse. Essentially three long action set pieces strung together into one movie, nevertheless when done with this level of brio and confidence by master craftsman (and my favourite director) Brian De Palma, it’s never dull. Funny, isn’t it, that even though you know a movie like this by heart, it remains a fascinating watch as you try to work out just how he does it.