The Big Whatsit

This review contains spoilers.

Oh dear. It hasn’t been a good summer for the threequels. Spider-Man 3 was a massive letdown. The critics slammed their cutlass into the third instalment of Pirates of the Caribbean, though oddly enough I quite enjoyed it, possibly because I wasn’t expecting much. And then there’s Shrek the Third, surely as safe a franchise as they come. How do you possibly get something like this wrong? A minimal plot, funny characters, a peppering of pop culture references and slices of comedy that can appeal to both kids and adults. It’s positively foolproof, right?

I went to see it with mine family, largely through boredom. The English weather has been like one long expulsion of snot recently, and even worse if you live in the north west. The alternative was to watch the men’s final at Wimbledon, and quite honestly the prospect of seeing SW19 bathed in blazing sunshine - well, dryness, at any rate - whilst we Lancastrians have to put up with endless rain did not appeal. So Shrek it was, and we took our seats in the Rochdale Odeon with numerous other family units who clearly arrived with exactly the same ‘must go outside somewhere… anywhere’ stir crazy mentality as ourselves.

Though tales of horrific, disturbance-filled trips to the pictures are commonplace, I’ve not had it too bad recently. This was different. My time was spent getting up to let other people out who needed the toilet, listening to patrons talking and shouting throughout the feature, and finding the floor to be coated in someone else’s chewing gum. And that was the entertaining part. The film itself was awful, terribly dull, with few flashes of the humour that punctuated its prequels, and containing little crossover material so that sections of the action alienated grown ups, whilst large swathes left the children twiddling their thumbs.

As I mentioned somewhere above, it should be hard to mess up the sheer wealth of entertainment potential that comes with the Shrek package. The producers have thousands of years of fairy tales and folk legends from which to cull material, blended in with countless modern day references. They can even leave the plot to one side, favouring gags over narrative development, and it still works. As it happens, I saw the original Shrek movie the other evening, and found myself once more chuckling over the Du Loc information point scene, the nods to Lord Farquaad’s compensating, and the banter between Shrek and Donkey. Not all of it worked, but mostly it sizzled with good fun and a sense it wasn’t taking itself seriously for a second.

Clearly, the Third is a Shrek too far. To begin with, there’s an overriding feeling that nobody is trying very hard. Mike Myers doesn’t sound especially Scottish in the eponymous lead role. The scene stealer from Shrek 2, Antonio Banderas, sounds bored, and Eddie Murphy is criminally underused as Donkey. With so many characters occupying the stage by this point, there’s less time to enjoy the Shrek-Donkey interchanges, which were utterly delightful previously. Even worse, a plot development sees the ass switch bodies with Puss in Boots, and so little is made of this beyond a few cheap gags that there appears to be very little point to it all.

The story concerns Prince Charming’s attempt to regain the throne of Far, Far Away, whilst Shrek goes on a voyage to find the true heir, Artie (or Arthur Pendragon, in yet another reference to mythology that is barely tapped beyond the obvious name recognition). Along the way, our hero finds out he’s going to be a father, which leads him to question his ability to fulfil the paternal role. This includes an admittedly humourous dream sequence that owes more than a little to Rosemary’s Baby, but otherwise who cares? What are younger viewers going to make of the ‘doubting’ scenes, apart from bored requests to use to cinema’s WC? Also, it’s never made clear why Shrek wouldn’t see himself as anything other than a wonderful dad. Presumably, these bits are inserted to provide a framework of familiarity for fathers in the audience to empathise with, yet they don’t make a lot of sense. The ogre is still crazy about Fiona, and has maintained a paternal role with Donkey since the first movie, so why wouldn’t he be overjoyed?

Rupert Everett, always sound casting, voices Prince Charming with reliable oiliness, yet he can’t save his character’s narrative arc. In an early scene, PC goes off to recruit some classic fairy tale villains - Captain Hook, Rumpelstiltskin, etc - in his quest to storm Far Far Away. Cornered by a resentful gang of pantomime baddies, in less than two minutes he’s gone from having his throat nearly slit to leading them to rebellion - how? As a leader, he’s the worst example of puff pastry, yet sure enough he takes the castle and installs himself as king, all in what looks like a feeble attempt to improve his lot on stage. The character is so shabbily drawn that it’s a relief his end comes fairly quickly, cueing the time honoured musical finale.

With Charming on the throne, Fiona and her fairy tale ladies of the court - Snow White, Cinderella, et al - lead an underground resistance movement. Again, how they manage this doesn’t make a lot of sense. For instance, Snow White can sing a number of woodland animals into overcoming the castle guards. Cinderella takes to scrubbing the prison floor once she’s captured. Rapunzel, er, falls asleep a lot.

I don’t want to make out that a pastiche like Shrek the Third needs to be logical, but too often it undermines its own rules by introducing entirely new elements that clash with what we know, simply in an attempt to provoke easy laughs, or shuffle the plot along. Queen Lillian can headbutt through walls - why? Merlin has turned away from magic to promote alternative therapies - again why, and how will this entertain children? On top of everything, there’s not a lot of point to Artie. He goes from being the school dropkick (incidentally, the school’s called Worcestershire - is this some incredibly subliminal joke, or was it chosen just because it sounds English?) to delivering an inspirational speech that seals his place as king, without it ever being explained why he is capable of doing such a thing. Not funny, and not terribly interesting either, he’s a terrible new character for the franchise. Justin Timberlake provides the vocal ‘talents’ - I enjoyed him in Black Snake Moan, but the anti-pretty boy critics will have their brickbats ready following this moribund turn.

There are some funny moments in the movie - John Cleese’s dying speech works well, as does the diehard gag where a foghorn masks bad language - but these are too few and far between. I haven’t been as flatly disappointed by an animated feature since the execrable Shark Tale, which just like this played like a cynical attempt to part cinemagoers from their cash. Amazingly in a ‘U’ feature, the majority of jokes are aimed at adults, leaving the knockabout slapstick and musical montages to its alleged intended audience.

Not that any of these comments matter. Shrek the Third took over $121m in its opening weekend, which makes a fourth instalment - slated for 2010 - inevitable. Judging from the way this one ended, the next episode will be all about Shrek’s experiences as a daddy. If I’m lucky, by then my son won’t want to go to the cinema with his parents anymore.