The Big Whatsit

I spent much of yesterday evening installing software on The Boy’s new computer, and to entertain us he slipped on his DVD of The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. It turned out to be a very good choice.

I’m by no means averse to kids films, but saw little in the denizens of Bikini Bottom over which to wave my happy stick. It was just a bit too ‘Rugrats,’ a cartoon with some limited charm, yet perpetually recycled for the Nickelodeon generation and well capable of outstaying its welcome. How would I cope during a 90-minute epic? Brilliantly, is how. TSSM surfs on such an effortless wave of fun that it’s impossible to be bored. Crackling with daft gags and refusing to let the comedy slide into sloppy morals, I found myself laughing at it more than at many so-called superior cartoon movies.

The story (which is really dressing for a succession of wacky jokes and good-humoured silliness) opens with Spongebob thinking he’s in line for the manager’s job at the new Krusty Krab fast food restaurant. However, when his boss, Mr Krab (an, er, crab) offers the position to Squidworth Tentacles, our hero’s song turns from ‘I’m ready, promotion,’ to ‘I’m ready… depression.’ In the meantime, Krab’s rival in the race to sell Krabby Patties, Plankton (sort of a tiny, green, one-eyed turd with throbbing veins), hatches a dastardly plan to steal King Neptune’s crown and frame his nemesis for the crime. It works, Krab’s turned to ice, and Spongebob sets off for Shell City with his best friend, Patrick Star (an, um, starfish) to recover the lost symbol of regal power that also happens to cover Neptune’s bald spot.

And that’s about it. Yet it’s much, more more, with craziness to the fore as Spongebob embarks on his doom-laden quest. If there is a lesson for the younger viewers, it is that there’s nothing wrong in being a child. The eponymous hero is looked over for the manager’s role because he’s a kid (’otherwise, you’d be a kidager’), and at one point wears a moustache made from seaweed to turn him into a man, because men can get the job done, not to mention change their underwear. Yet it’s through being a kid that he prevails, and this is in every way a movie for children. The jokes are levelled squarely at them. We’re spared the adult crossover elements that most animated movies seem to believe are necessary. There are no famous actors voicing characters that are thinly veiled cartoon versions of themselves (e.g. Robert De Niro in the lamentable Shark Tale). None of the humour is aimed specifically at grown ups, such as the tax-related gags that don’t stop The Incredibles from being a great achievement. What it does have is bags of charm. It never takes itself seriously; indeed the nonsense on display is so random that it can only appeal directly to children, and older viewers who are willing to become children for the duration of the running time. For instance, it’s never made clear why Plankton’s wife, Karen, is a computer. I asked The Boy about this. He replied it was because ‘She just is!’ and that had to be good enough for me.

By current standards, TSSM’s animation seems decidedly amateurish. It’s way behind the work of mighty Pixar and the computer revolution generally. Studio Ghibli’s output leaves it standing. Even Prince of Egypt, Dreamworks’ luscious hand drawn Bibletoon that’s nearly ten years old, looks a thing of beauty in comparison. The Polar Express and Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within dazzled us with effects, and pushed the latest technology pretty close to its limits. However, both films proved that the closer to realism you aim for, the worse the end result looks because nothing is better than the real thing.

In TSSM, they don’t even try. Bikini Bottom and its environs look like they’ve stepped out of some ancient Hanna Barbera dreamscape. And when the animators need to make people look real, they simply use real people, most notably David Hasselhoff in a bizarre, riotous cameo appearance. Besides which, the interaction between cartoon characters and reality is seamless - check out the scene where the sea creatures tussle with the evil diver. At all times the clean, colourful drawings of TSSM are a blessing.

The only jarring aspect is the sell-out to moviedom by employing the ’skills’ of an occasional celebrity vocalist. Alec Baldwin isn’t too bad as nasty assassin, Dennis, but Neptune’s daughter, Mindy, is voiced rather anonymously by Scarlett Johansson. Apart from anything else, Mindy looks like a slightly hotter version of frumpy Velma from Scooby Doo - maybe it’s the tail that does it for me. There’s a lost opportunity to drag Nicole Jaffe into the studio for some retro-inspired voice work, for the satisfaction of the nerdier end of Mystery Mobile fans everywhere.