The Curse of Brian
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Why can’t fellas called Brian (or Bryan) become decent movie directors? Whilst studies at Harvard continue apace to isolate the bad director gene, this week’s New Scientist trumps them with the news that it’s ‘all in the name’. We should have known all along. Name your kid Brian and he may grow into a music icon (Brian Wilson and John Lennon to name but two), but there’s zilcho chance of him ever winning an Oscar for Best Director. Them’s the facts.
Tragically Brian DePalma never wanted to be called Brian. Even in the womb he thought of himself as an Alfred and unfortunately couldn’t articulate the words before his old man had him christened. ‘I was dead clever, me, even as a nipper’, Bazza reports. ‘That super-computer the kid builds in Dressed To Kill - I made that in real life and I was only three years old when I did it.’ DePalma was named by his father (’That old son of a whore’ quips Brian), who was a big fan of Brian Poole & The Tremelos at the time.
Bryan Singer was almost a Jacob. His pappy got royally freaked by Jacob’s Ladder and named his son after Jacob Singer, the Tim Robbins character. ‘But they don’t call it a Christian name for nothing, and I didn’t want him to sound Jewish so we went for Bryan instead at the last minute.’ Does Singer Senior now regret that decision, which was probably the main reason why the $260 million Superman Returns sucked harder than Gillian Taylforth? ‘Well sure, he can’t direct for shit. But he’s got a good, strong, hetero name. Maybe Jacob Singer would have insisted on a better story, better script, decent flying sequences, maybe Rachel Macadams as Lois Lane… But don’t blame me, blame Warner Brothers!’
Indeed. Singer Senior is definitely on to something here. Warner Bros have been clued up about ‘first name syndrome’ for years. ‘Yep, we admit it. When Richard Donner walked from Superman II we knew we had to replace him with another Richard or the film would have been a bloody hodge podge. Thank God we got Richard Lester. Richards all direct the same way. Just like Alans. And Brians.’ So why, the question begs itself, put a hopeless Bryan in charge of such an important project as Superman Returns? ‘Well, Bryan did DC a huge favour when he royally screwed up Marvel’s X-Men films. We owed him bigtime for that and couldn’t really say no when he insisted on Superman. We wanted Richard Stanley or Richard Kelly to maintain continuity with the first two films, but hey-ho.’ Warner Bros even distributed Life of Brian as a big in-joke about talentless hacks who get projects well above their station. Quite a funny film, but then it wasn’t directed by a Brian.
Talking of Jesus and Brians, next up is Brian Flemming, director of the controversial The God Who Wasn’t There. Born of Christian parents, he was almost a ‘Jesus’ himself and is said to be ‘happy as f*ck’ they changed their minds to Brian, even if this meant he’d be a crap director forever. His ‘documentary’ attempts to prove that Jesus Christ never existed – lunacy! If there had only been one book about Jesus by one of his mates, fair enough. But two or three and you have to think there’s some truth to the fella. Four and it’s the goddamned gospel! Not according to this Brian though, who even spends 10 minutes slagging off the great Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ. That should be a bloody capital offence! Taking on the historical Jesus is one thing. But Mel’s Jesus? Talentless heathen Brian scum.
Brian Helgeland’s The Sin Eater might be the worst film ever made by a Brian if we’re not counting Femme Fatale, Mission To Mars, Snake Eyes, Raising Cain, The Bonfire of the Vanities, Body Double, Dressed To Kill or Obsession. It truly is a turd on wheels. However, I hear you say, didn’t this Brian once work with the great Mel Gibson? Yes, but my sources tell me the reason that Payback was absolutely outstanding, typical Mel, is that Gibson himself took over directing duties from Helgeland. Still, out of respect for Gibson, we’ll cut this Brian some slack for now.
The New Scientist’s ‘Brian’ issue is on sale from Thursday.